Fey & Poehler > DeGeneres

#5"The Wolf of Wall Street shocked viewers by using the F-word 506 times in three hours. Which is the new record. Unless you count my dad trying to hang some curtains rods in our living room."

#4"The Wolf of Wall Street is another nominee tonight. I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic. I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties."

#3"Here's the moment you've all been waiting for, The President's Speech. Or as they call it at home, the bathroom break."

#2"Gravity is nominated for Best Film. It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age."

#1"And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio."